Ten Questions for Santa Claus the Man Behind the Myth!

Twas the night before Christmas
And though he hadn’t a clue,
Santa Claus would be doing
An Arbenting Interview!
And so when Santa arrived
Before he settled in
We said, ‘We've got some questions’
And we counted off ten!

Question 1 - Thank you so much for agreeing to the interview. So what first made you decide that you wanted to get into toy design and delivery?

Um, interview? O-k-a-y. I knew I wanted to be in toy design since forever! The delivery part was key, but always secondary. The toys were my true passion. That, and lists!

ARB : Lists?

Oh, yeah, lists! I love them! Making them, checking them twice, it’s all good in my hood. Something so organized and structured about them. Mrs. Claus would say that I am fascinated with them. I just like ’em is all.

Question 2 - One thing I have always been unclear on, are you the designer of every toy that has come across the market, ever?

Yes.

ARB : Would you care to elaborate on that, or offer some kind of statement of proof?

No.

It’s just that there are lots of people credited with making toys, and you are generally not one of them. You are generally depicted making very generic toys.

Look, I have manufacturers that I work with everywhere. I send them mock-ups and they produce the products. I am not about ego! My name doesn’t have to be included. It’s understood! If it’s a toy, then it originated in my workshop. As for the generic toy depictions, that’s fairly accurate. As it turns out, elves are not so skilled in the design arena. By the time I realized that they couldn’t keep up and produce the level of toys I needed, they were already unionized and set in a pretty stout contract, that I am still sore with my lawyer for getting me into. So I had to outsource the more intricate designs away from the pole.

Question 3 - How did it end up that Coca-Cola actually branded the popularized image that we have of you today?

Well, that is actually quite an interesting story. It must have been sometime in the fifties, I was looking to capture more of a public market with a more modern image. Something my publicist, brother of my lawyer, recommended. So we farmed it out, had several companies pitching ideas, and somehow the colors and everything, just popped. It was better than what I had come up with. I was thinking of going with a long cloak with a big typographical character on it. I wanted a ‘K’ for Kris or Kringle, but the consensus was to go with an ‘S’, for Santa. Then the focus groups thought it was too close to superman, and the whole idea got scrapped! So we signed with Coke. Or rather, my lawyer, did. It was his last act as my legal representative. I fired him the next day.

Question 4 - Have you ever considered re-rebranding your image?

Sure I have. I think since my ex-lawyer was immediately given a job at Coca-Cola I have grounds for getting out of the contract I have with them on this image, based on conflict of interest. Otherwise I have to wait another two millennia for that contract to run out, and under the terms of said contract, I am unable to alter my physical appearance until the contract expires.

Question 5 - So how does it make you feel when people say you are not real? That you are nothing more than a commercial icon, a myth, if you will?

It hurts. If I’m being perfectly honest, it stings. I mean, I am a person, with feelings and emotions, but people seem to just overlook that. There is a difference between being mythic, and being a myth! I am mythic.

Question 6 - After all these years in the toy design field, what would be your favorite toy that you created?

Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots. Hands down. Slinky would be a close second, but the robots I think would be numero uno.

ARB : Really? Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots?

Oh yeah, definitely! I mean, what’s not to love? They’re boxing robots with heads that pop up. Tell me that’s not genius.

Question 7 - As a vegan I have to ask how do you feel about perpetuating a speciesist stigma by forcing animals into manual labor hauling you around in your sled? Is that intentional or accidental?

Wait, what? Um, acc-iden-tal, I suppose...

Question 8 - Assuming that the story of Rudolph, as told annually through the animated holiday special, exaggerates the communication capabilities of said magical reindeer, and that they cannot and have not in fact mastered the English language, meaning you have assigned each of them their idiosyncratic names, why did you give some of them cool names and others lame ones named for things like a naked cherub archer and a household cleaner? Was it just for the rhyme scheme?

You should never ‘assume’, it makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’. Here St. Nick laughed at his own joke, with a deep bounding laugh, that shook his belly like a bowlful of jelly.

Question 9 - What does your average work day look like, or rather read like?

Not too crazy, as I mentioned I love my lists so I have multiple to-do lists to check with each day, and so that is how I always begin. Then I hold a conference call with the heads of all the major manufacturing outlets to get reports on how all of my creations are doing out there in the world. Given specific conditions included in the elves labor contracts, I have to meet once a day with the union head of elf employee relations, for the current list of grievances and the like. I spend at least one hour every day sketching or fine-tuning something, just to keep the creative juices flowing. I eat dinner with the missus, and then it I spend an hour gaming, to you know unwind. That’s a basic look at an average day.

Question 10 - What advice would you have for anyone looking to get into the toy design field?

I would say, make sure you sign and adhere to all codes and conditions of the North Pole Manufacture and Trade Agreement, and know your place under said codes and conditions.